If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
