I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
