So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
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