Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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