im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
please come you make the beer taste better
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
