I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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