can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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