Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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