and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
