i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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