I wish I could punch you in the face.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
True strength comes from lack of pants
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
