the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
birth control should be required to get into college
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
