my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
