I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
