I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
