I saw his package. It spoke to me.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
