I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
