I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
