I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
