I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
