I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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