his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
