using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
