I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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