Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
