I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
