Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
