No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Found the puke drawer
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
