I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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