Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
