All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
