Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Randomize
