I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
