come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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