You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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