Your mouth is God's brothel.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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