So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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