I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
