So drunk, too bad you don't want this
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Randomize
