dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You're like the curious george of whores
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
