You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
