dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
