The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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