I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
