Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
