Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
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No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
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My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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