I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
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