I think I won the penis lottery.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
