Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I want her autograph on my taint
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
The uberlube is also flammable
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
