He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
