Please, let me fuck your mom
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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