It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
