okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
