Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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