If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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