I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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