this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
