I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize
